Wednesday, February 9, 2011

separating

i have been silent in this space for a long time. one of the reasons that i blog is to intentionally focus on the positive and beautiful things in our lives. taking note of moments or projects that would otherwise be lost in the whirlwind of emotions and activities throughout a normal day brings me joy. that focus is not ever meant to portray our lives as picture perfect as they are anything but. behind this blog is a regular mom who has daily struggles along with those triumphs. i just choose not to highlight those parts of my day so much. blogging takes a lot of time and energy and i just can't see doing it to post about all that is stressing me. we get more of what we focus on, yes?
that being said, many of you are my friends and i wish to share important moments with you, positive or no. this year has already brought many, many challenges to my family. the greatest of which is the decision for matt and i to separate. dividing our family is something that i have not taken lightly and have worried so much about. things have been stressful for so long and i have held on as long as i can. i wanted to be absolutely sure before we made a choice to raise our children without both of their parents under one roof.
matt is truly a wonderful man but he suffers with severe stress and anxiety, among other things, and with it comes a prevailing sense of negativity and a constant flux of emotions. i feel this provides an unstable home for our wee ones and wish to find our way back to creating a life of peace and contentedness. years of living in this situation have changed me, too. i have become reactionary. i have so much anger and disappointment that i don't recognize myself sometimes. i want to find my happy place again.
10 years and two gorgeous children takes a long time to unravel. it is a slow and rather painful process. fortunately, we have remained friends and are both keeping it rather positive for the children. but it hurts. i am hurting. so many days i don't feel like i can do anything without crying. other days i feel numb and mostly stare into space. knitting has saved me those days. i am able to sit with my children and occupy myself with my yarn and needles and mommy doesn't seem quite so out of it. ;)
i have continued to visit your blogs. they bring me joy and sometimes tears. often, if something has really moved me, i can not even comment. i know that sometimes when i have commented in the last few months on one of your posts, it hasn't even made sense. i am just not all there.....but i am trying. i know that it will get easier. i just wish that were sooner.
we have been doing lots of valentine crafting and getting ready for a makeup birthday party tomorrow. so, i have some joyful things to share, but i had to get this out there first. don't expect me to post about it a lot, but know that this is where i am at.....dealing. and being incredibly busy with school! february means open houses, plans for summer camps, fall enrollment, and so much more!

with love and appreciation for each one of you,
rae

p.s. to those of you who notice, my apologies for the double post here. i simply could not live with those non-transparent corners! i really hope it's right this time.....

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